Somehow I feel the wheels beginning to fall off of my life. I held on for quite a while being unemployed. I’m not sure what I’m going to do now. I have decided to give up on that job. If they can’t get back to me in seven (!!) weeks, then they don’t want me. If they do, then they have a funny way of showing it. Nobody else is biting. It makes me wonder if anybody really does want to hire anybody at all. So, back to the drawing board.
In the meantime, I’ve got to find some way to try to keep sane during this whole situation. I’m starting to feel useless and hopeless. I wonder if HR people know what it’s like to be on the other end of these things. I tend to think not. I’ve been on edge for a couple of weeks now with nothing much to look forward to. Michelle and I planned a trip to Montreal at the end of the month. I guess that’s something to look forward to. But I really mean life-wise. I think I’m going to try to get out of the house today – more than just going to the gym.
I guess it’s best to enumerate the things that I want to do, so let’s give this thing a try:
- I want to watch more old/classic movies. Movies today really, really suck. Hollywood has completely given up, sold out and committed itself to producing Grade A bullshit. No effort, no skill, just explosives and skin. As far as the skin is concerned, why not just watch a porn? Explosions don’t really impress me. I’ve got a list of about 1000 movies that I want to watch. Trying to get Michelle to watch any of them without already having seen them is like pulling teeth. So, I’ll try to commit myself to watch them. Italian, French, whatever. There are some great ones that I would like to see for myself.
- I’ve been yo-yo-ing in my weight lately. Mostly because Michelle cooks these very heavy meals on the weekends and I have to do all I can to shed the weight from that during the week. I’m trying to lose the weight that I’ve been trying to for a while. I think a mental re-adjustment is required for that. More on that later.
- Get a job. I cannot have kids, cannot travel, cannot get a house, cannot have any sort of self-respect without one. If I want to replace this computer that is starting to turn into junk, I need a job. If I want to move out of this horrible apartment, I need a job. If I want to do anything involving my life moving forward, I need a fucking job. It’s strange how selling your time to someone else becomes so foundational in one’s self-worth but it is. This really is the key to me feeling better.
- Play guitar more. I can’t get any better without even taking the damned thing out of the case. I used to be pretty good but so much got in the way. No more. Most of that stuff that got in the way wasn’t good or fun or even necessary.
Most of this isn’t involved in getting stuff. If anything, I’d like to get rid of a lot of stuff. I’ve done a decent job coming to terms with who I am, what I like, what I want. I don’t really need stuff. I want to be freer to do things that I want to do and a lot of that depends on having a job. I think that although the wheels are coming off, I can tighten them and get this mofo running right again. Maybe I’ll pop into town and take a walk.