Monday, February 29, 2016 (“Amanda” by Waylon Jennings)

Well, the weekend’s over and I’m not much the wiser. It’s been a strange last week for me. I’m not 100% sure what’s been going on with me but I think that I have a bit of an idea. It’s a bit difficult to think about but it’s got to be done. I’ve seen all manner of people bullshitting themselves about who they are and where they are going. I don’t want to lie to myself because the only person that really hurts is me.

I think this whole cholesterol thing is what shows me this all to be true. I’m not young anymore. I can’t eat anything I want and not have there be no effect. I can’t drink whatever I want anymore. My “fun and exciting” moments in my life are in the past. It’s been over six years since I returned from Germany. It’s been almost 11 years since I returned from France for the first time. That’s a while. I’m applying for jobs that kids fresh out of college are looking to get. I’m a bit frightened by it for a number of things. One thing is that I feel the pressure to be further along some road I’m supposed to be on. I don’t know where that road begins and where it ends. I’m not completely obsessed with that point but it’s something that lingers in the back of my mind. Also, I’m afraid that the fun is over. The thrilling excitement is over. I’m not sure if that’s entirely true but it is a startling jolt when I come to think of life that way.

All of this is not nothing. It’s not over yet but I think that I’ve got to start some sort of transition toward something else. I don’t want to be living perpetually in some sort of past. Not that it’s pathetic to live there but it’s true that there is something else out there for me now. I don’t know what it is exactly but I really feel the need to do something. Sitting around and waiting for something fall from the sky ain’t working. It’s pretty worrisome that everything depends on me. But then again, it is my life and it’s not really the responsibility of anybody else.

It’s been a week since I’ve had anything to drink. I guess like my youth, I’ll just have to turn my back on that too. I’ll just forget all about it and try to find something more productive and less damaging to my health to replace it. What that is, I don’t know. Mortality and changes in age are plaguing my mind and it’s worrying me.

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