Sunday, January 17, 2016 (“Red” by King Crimson)

This whole situation isn’t getting any easier. Michelle and I sat in bed last night being sad about this might being the end of us. I don’t know what to say to her in these situations. I don’t want us to break up over this but it sounds like our lives are diverging, or will be soon. Like I’ve said before, I don’t mind tagging along down to Virginia Beach if I could have some indication that she’s on board with having a family. No answer. Nothing definite either way.

I feel like she’s having an internal struggle. She’s someone who lets her emotions, including fear and doubt, get the best of her. A lot of people, when they sense a large feeling of fear do something either rash, reckless or they take a moment and make a rational decision about the matter and have that answer ready for whenever the fear comes. Her response is to fear like a deer in the headlights. Whenever she has doubts or fears, it paralyzes her. She does nothing. Doing nothing is still doing something – making the choice not to do anything. I’d like to think I confront my fears head-on… eventually. One of the things that I like to do is think of one of the possibilities of the future and decide which one I want and try figure out how to get there.

I’ve been going over her finances with her, too. I believe that part of what shuts her down to the conversation about children is her perpetual fear about money. She went to four years of undergrad and four years of vet school. In doing that she racked up a massive amount of debt. She’s been paying them off over the years but I think she still feels the weight of it all. This last month she paid off one of the loans in full. But there is still a ways to go. I tried to get her to get into her mind a date when each one of these debts will be paid off in full. That helps her allay some of her fears because she has an answer, a course planned out to when this whole thing will become a smaller and smaller problem. Also, it sounds like the place in Virginia Beach will be expecting her to negotiate a salary and benefits if she takes the job. So, she’ll have to figure out how much of a pay cut she can afford in order to go down there and do the rehab full-time. I suppose all of this helps me out, too. That is because if I can get her to do something other than freeze up maybe she’ll be able to make a more rational and better decision.

I think I’ve said in a previous entry (I can’t remember and can’t be bothered to go look) that she wants to me to go see her therapist. I’m not sure what we’ll talk about. Maybe just why I want to have kids. I suppose that I’d better have something to say when I go in there.

I think the reason why I want to have kids isn’t just one. It’s many. One reason is that I think that my whole life up until this point has been all about me. It was about growing up and going to school. It was going to college and traveling around. It was working and trying to find a girlfriend and just have a fun time. It was so self-centered. I’m afraid that if I continue on this path, life will cease to have any meaning because at this point, life is just about me and I’m starting to find that boring and unfulfilling. I do have a cat and that’s fun to have a center of attention that isn’t me. But cat’s don’t really have any growth. Once they hit adulthood, there’s nothing more than just being a cat and wandering around. I think with kids, there’s this element of growth or prolonged growth that really requires someone’s guiding hand. I don’t know if Michelle wants or is ready for such a thing. I think I’ve been patient enough with her in coming to a decision but like I said earlier, she has frozen up about it because it scares her. Maybe this therapist can help her realize that that’s not the way to go about doing things.

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