Tuesday, January 12, 2016 (“Am I Evil?” by Diamond Head)

Michelle came home last night. We talked about her trip down to Virginia Beach. The hospital down there is willing to bend a little when it comes to what she will be doing – depending on her wishes. They’re offering her a smaller salary with 100% rehab or the agreed upon salary with a split of rehab and GP. Seeing what the GP clinic was like down there, she might be more amenable to doing the split. It turns out that their staff is way more qualified than the one she’s got here and it probably wouldn’t be so nerve-wracking. She doesn’t know what she wants…

Tomorrow I have my interview. I’m not really all that nervous. I’ve printed out some résumés, job descriptions, polished my shoes, got my suit ready, got a haircut and gonna shave after I finish this bit. I don’t really know what to expect from it. I have no idea what they’d be offering for salary and benefits. I have no idea how to compare this job – if I get it – to what would be offered to Michelle.

There’s one final snag in this thing. I told Michelle that I didn’t really want to be dragged away from here unless she came up with an answer I liked about having kids or not. When we started getting serious, that is, moved in together, I was fine with her aversion to having kids. About 7 or 8 months later, I had an epiphany – I started to want to have kids one day. Not then and there. One day. Probably not today either. But soon… Ish.. Anyway. We’ve been living in this unstable equilibrium for the last couple of years. I don’t really want to move to Virginia Beach unless I get some sort of genuine insight into what our future together would be like. There are so many directions this could go in the next couple of days, weeks, months. She could get her job, not want kids and go and leave me here. She could not get her job, want kids and stay here with me. She could not get her job, not want kids and stay around, forcing me to just make some kind of move. I haven’t really thought about every single possibility. This isn’t really a logic game. So many possible outcomes are both out of our hands and in our hands. I’m trying to keep my mind occupied and not dwell too much on the situation at hand because it’s frightening.

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