Today was a strange day. Last night I didn’t sleep one bit. Michelle came home and was asking me how much money to ask for in her job search. She got home at quarter to 9 and I didn’t get the light turned out to go to bed until 11. Not a wink!
Part of what kept me up was depressing thoughts running through my head. I’ve been working the same job since last April – just about 16 months. I don’t get paid very much. I’m barely able to sock money away before the next disaster comes. I feel like I’m worth way much more than the $16 an hour. The depression just sunk in and it felt worse and worse. I get up at 6 AM to drive over an hour to a job that has no pay, no respect, no future, and nothing to do lately, only to have to drive an hour home after sitting around for 8 ½ hours. I feel like my life is evaporating before my eyes. I really want Michelle to find something so I can get out of this rut that I’m too afraid to leave for fear of burning through the little money I’ve been able to scrape together when I won’t have anything coming in. In fact, the bitterness is getting a hold of me.
I keep asking myself: How long do I wait for Michelle to find something? The last few months have been all about her and her career. I sat around and waited for her to pass her certification in order just to qualify for the types of jobs she wants. That was several months of listening to her complain about studying and not having any free time. Now, every night she comes home and complains how she hates her job and the people she works with. I used to complain about my job a lot more but I stopped doing it as much because I kind of figured out that she didn’t care very much about that. People tend to focus on their own crappiness instead of others’. It’s only natural.
Anyway. Today was probably one of the worst days at work because of all of this. I got into work early because I left home early. My God, how the day dragged on. Eventually, I left at 12:30. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I nearly crashed a couple of times on the long way home. But I made it home in one piece and took a 4 hour nap. I only hope that doesn’t fuck my sleep up tonight. I find it interesting that when you’re in some sort of real physical stress – need to sleep, eat, use the toilet, etc. – nothing else on the planet matters. I didn’t care how I looked. I didn’t care what anyone thought. I didn’t care too much about traffic signals – only to avoid getting crashed into. I probably came close to dying a few times on the way home. I always thought the commute was brutal but never possibly fatal, until now…
But I hate these sorts of days. They’re really two days crammed into one very strange day. Anyway, tomorrow’s Friday and I’ll try to make the most of that day. It’s so strange how your brain just doesn’t work properly when you don’t get enough sleep. I was looking around at all the people at work, thinking: I’ll bet he got a decent night’s sleep.
Anyway, while I was just being miserable at work, I was thinking that I really have got to make a move toward the positive in my life – hence the title of the blog. I want to be happier. I want to make more money. I want a shorter commute. I’ve been worrying too much about not having a job. I just wonder how serious employers are about hiring people. In my experience so far, most employers are jokes. They have no intention in hiring anyone. They don’t want to interview. They just post things online. Nothing ever comes of it. But I can’t keep doing this. Michelle and I will have to have a very serious chat about this. Not tonight, though. Sometime this weekend. I’ll be damned if I’m letting her rope me into an hour and a half of repeating the same thing because she’s too chicken-shit to ask for what she wants – triple what I make.
Anyway. One day, I’ll look back on these days not as the struggle they are to me today. Probably not tomorrow, though. I might even look back on it fondly and thinking of it as the golden years of my life…